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“I have worked in the bar/restaurant service industry for 21 years. 19 of those years, I have worked as a bartender. 3 of the latest years, I have spent as a sober bartender. A SOBER BARTENDER. People ALWAYS ask – ‘Is that even a thing? How is that possible?’
How can I spend an entire shift behind a bar surrounded by literally hundreds of bottles of booze and not be tempted? I mean, it’s at my fingertips. Like – literally. I am literally holding bottles of the substance that nearly killed me so many times and pouring it in front of my face for 8 hours a night, 5 to 6 days a week.
- Health was the biggest determining factor in bartender Adrienne Oakes’ decision to become sober while working in the industry. Oakes, also of The Up & Up, dismisses the notion that drinking is.
- The trend has empowered sober bartenders like McGarry and Ray to live, work and hang out as they see fit, without pressure to get hammered from coworkers or friends. They can help you do the same.
- Working as a bartender can be a very fulfilling career for people that like a fast-paced and personable job setting. Unfortunately, it can be a hard environment for many people recovering from alcohol addiction. If you have a career as a bartender, but are trying to beat alcoholism, you don't need to feel helpless: there is a strong chance you can keep your career while in recovery.
People ask, ‘Isn’t it so tempting? Why would you put yourself in that position, as someone who is trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle?’
Here is my answer.
I made a choice three years ago to quit drinking. For my OWN reasons. No one made it for me. I was not court ordered to quit. I decided for ME that I wanted to live a healthier lifestyle. That being said, what difference does it make if I am swimming in a pool of wine or working a desk job? If I made a decision to drink again, (which I can’t even fathom EVER happening), but if I did, I would find a way to do it regardless of my work setting. In addition, I take pride in my work. I love what I do and I love doing it to the best of my ability. When I go to work, I am there to do just that – WORK! Even in my drinking days, I took pride in my work. There is nothing attractive or professional about walking into an establishment and seeing a sloppy drunk bartender behind the bar.
Let me back up. I started bartending at the ripe age of 18 and it was pretty much downhill from there, as I already had that taste of booze and now had full access to it daily. For the next 16 years, I pretty much lived the same day on repeat. Every story I have is different, but they are all the same. Every night was a party. And after the party came the afterhours bars… then sleep and repeat. I managed to rack up two DUIs in my 20s, both times blowing over three times the legal limit. Both times totaling my car. Both times getting arrested. And, both times I had great lawyers so I got off with basically a slap on the wrist, so I definitely didn’t learn my lesson immediately following those arrests. I also got arrested for being drunk in public once, because I was in 7-11 and had no clue where I was or how to get home. I spent the night in the drunk tank and of course, the next day, I thought it was hilarious. I hadn’t learned my lesson yet.
I had many close calls with death because of drinking. Crashing my cars was just the beginning of it. Years later, I would find myself in the ICU for almost unintentionally drinking myself to death. You know what’s worse than waking up in a hospital hooked up to a ventilator with a catheter in and no clue how you got there? Being so terrified because you have no memory of the night before? Feeling your head pounding as if it got run over by a dump truck? Your hands shaking so badly from alcohol withdrawal that you can’t even pick up the cup of water next to your hospital bed? Being hooked up to so many machines and IVs and not being able to talk because of the breathing tube? Not waking up ever is worse. And I thank God daily that He had other plans for me than to die in that hospital bed that night.
I had no shame when I was drinking. I’d stumble to my friend’s house blacked out at 2 a.m., because I knew she had a hammock in her backyard. I woke up on so many occasions sleeping in the actual dirt NEXT to the hammock, because I was too drunk the night before to figure out how to get in it… or how to simply just knock on her door instead of sleeping outside. This is the insanity of the disease. You will do things that are absolutely crazy, but in your mind, it’s ok because everyone does it, right? Wrong.
I’ve attempted suicide because of my drinking. It wasn’t even those attempts that made me finally stop. It was only after a drunken run-in with an ex-boyfriend. While blacked out, I ran behind the bar of a venue where my ex worked, and I started hitting him. THAT was my breaking point. Hearing what I did was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I was quiet for a moment, then I said with tears in my eyes, ‘That’s it. I am done drinking.’
That was that. Never again.
Something that has always baffled my mind, is why people automatically assume that a bartender’s job is to get wasted with their guests. Don’t get me wrong – back in my hayday, there were definitely a few occasions I got rip-roaring drunk during my shift. It was never pretty, by the way. But, it most certainly was not a regular thing. Not only do people assume this is part of my job description, but they get offended when I politely decline a shot offer or say I don’t drink. I normally get an eye roll with a response like, ‘a bartender who doesn’t drink? You can’t be good at this.’ Or, of course, the popular, ‘I don’t trust a bartender who doesn’t drink.’ And let’s not forget the, ‘why don’t you drink?’
Here’s my question. Why is alcohol the only drug we have to explain as to why we don’t consume it? Why is it considered weird by so many people that a bartender chooses not to drink? Why should I have to explain myself and, moreover, how does my choice not drink in any way make me incapable of doing my job correctly? Wouldn’t it be obvious that, if anything, it makes me MORE capable of doing my job?
I will say this. I have bartended everywhere from DC and South Florida Nightclubs to fine dining and everything in between. I have bartended at strip clubs and I have bartended at Oriole Park at Camden Yards. I have worked from one extreme to the next. I have worked in many different cities with all different types of people. One thing remains constant. I am, without question, a million times better at my job when I am sober, than when I am drinking.
Do I ever get tempted being behind the bar surrounded at all angles by booze? By seeing people all around me drink casually and enjoy themselves and their time with friends? I get tempted every day in life, but it’s not a work thing, it’s an everyday being a human with faults type of thing. What’s important is not giving into temptation and remaining strong and true to myself and my beliefs. It’s never letting temptation overcome me by always remembering where I came from and how far I have come. I was never a social drinker. I was a ‘drink til I fall off my barstool’ type of drinker. Sure, I was fun for the first drink or two, but I didn’t have an off switch when drinking. So no matter what fleeting thought crosses my mind like, ‘Hey, maybe I could do what these normal people do.’ It quickly dissipates within seconds when I remember to finish playing the tape out in my mind…where the ending to my drinking is never pretty. It is just a part of my life that my mind is fully made up that I never want to return to. I could be pouring 500 shots, making a 20-gallon cooler of jungle juice. Hell, I could be taking a tequila shower and it still wouldn’t change my mind.
To be clear, I am not against drinking. I wouldn’t continue doing the job I do if I felt that strongly against alcohol consumption. What I am against, is ME drinking. I am against binge drinking. I am against abusing alcohol. In my line of work, I am trained to know when someone has had enough and to cut them off, to ensure alcohol abuse NEVER occurs on my watch. I love what I do and I love being able to meet so many new and interesting people from so many walks of life. But mostly, I love the fact that I am sober so I can remember these people and the conversations we have.
The Sober Bartender
I am lucky enough to have a pretty cool job where I get to socialize with people and help be a factor of how their evening goes, whether it be a first date, an outting with a friend, a bachelorette party, a mom and daughter hang out session or maybe just a solo person coming out to meet some new people or have some company. I love meeting new people and I love that these people who sit down at my bar get to have my full sober attention, rather than me forgetting their drink order three seconds after they tell me because I am too lit to remember. So, if you ever walk into a venue and see me behind the bar, feel free to order the fanciest whiskey you like, and I will cheers you with my cranberry juice and you can tell me about your day. I believe life is about being happy, and right now, I am pretty grateful and happy for my awesome job and for being sober while I do it.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Erica Haywood. You can follow her journey on Instagram. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribeto our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTubefor our best videos.
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The liquor industry is a dynamic one, fueled by craft, alchemy, hospitality and — of course, its lifeblood — booze. But what happens when the negative effects of an alcohol-heavy lifestyle begin to manifest? Though sobriety can seem like a clear choice, it’s easier said than done, as many who’ve given up the bottle will tell you. And the community of sober bartenders — one that’s both serious and necessary — is growing. Here, seven industry professionals share their experiences with sobriety from behind the bar. All interviews were conducted by email and have been edited and condensed for clarity.
“Now and then I get called boring or a guest is offended that I will not take a shot with them”
For nearly two years, Billy Ray of Mixwell has been navigating the Los Angeles bar scene sober. Ray found his sobriety after a tumultuous relationship with the very substance that made his career.
“I couldn’t imagine a life without alcohol, yet I wanted to stop,” Ray said. “But I could not. I tried everything from sober January to limiting myself to just beer and wine. The fear of getting sober in our industry and losing everything from friends, jobs and my identity was so overwhelming that I had the thought run through my head that I should kill myself. I thought it was my only way out. So I set out on my last night of drinking and goodbyes and went home to slit my wrists. The last thing I recall was sliding down the corner on Melrose after leaving [Melrose] Umbrella Co.; I was crying not because I was scared, but they were tears of relief that everything was going to finally be over. The next thing I recall was opening my eyes and seeing my dog Darby and not knowing if I was dead or alive and if I killed him as well as myself. Later that morning I called my mom and told her I was an alcoholic and needed help.”
This was among Ray’s lowest days, and he’s since chosen a sober lifestyle while remaining in the bartending community. “[It’s been] positive for the most part,” he said. “Now and then I get called boring or a guest is offended that I will not take a shot with them. But I have had a lot of people talk to me about what they are going through when it comes to drinking. I am able to share with them what I have walked through and help in any way I can.”
“Self-care is one of the last things that is prioritized in hospitality”
Joanna Carpenter is the bar director at Town Stages, a private event space in New York City known for its beverage program. Carpenter elected to omit hard liquor from her intake for health and wellness reasons in January.
“Bartending sober is, in a word, hard,” Carpenter said. “You are spending most of your time surrounded by booze and the people consuming it. Everybody experiences a different level of struggle, but for me, one of the toughest things has been the sense of expectation from customers or my peers when I told them I don’t drink liquor. There’s always a moment where they just stare at you, and I can never tell if they’re expecting me to crumble out of desperation for a drink or if they’re waiting for me to wax poetic as to the reasons I don’t imbibe. Objectively, I’m inclined to do neither of these things, but the people pleaser in me always feels like I have to walk around with a stash of explanations.”
Internal battles are a considerable part of the sober or semi-sober bartending lifestyle. “Admitting (to yourself, before anyone else) that boozy things, or certain types of boozy things, are not good for you is daunting,” Carpenter said. “It can bring up a rush of fear – fear of being judged, fear of having the stigma of alcoholism attached to you or fear of being a wet blanket around your partying friends. Believe it or not, self-care is one of the last things that is prioritized in hospitality, so to actively make the choice to cut out the lubricant that gets us all going feels like a scary upstream swim.”
Carpenter has found her own way to overcome her trials and tribulations. “I’ve had so many nights where all I wanted at the end of the night was to take some tequila straight to the face, and I’ve had to step away from the bar for a few minutes to ‘come back’ to myself a bit,” Carpenter said. “When I say ‘come back,’ I mean taking a moment to sip some water and exhale out the energy of the previous few hours while thinking through exactly how I would feel the next morning if I gave into the urge. Some days are easy and some days are hard; all days are opportunities for me to take care of myself in the way that’s best for me, while making sure I’m the best hospitality-maker I can be, which doesn’t have to be defined by how much I drink.”
“I remind myself that I would never be able to have just one”
Jack McGarry is a managing partner of one of the world’s top cocktail bars, The Dead Rabbit in New York City. In 2013, McGarry was named International Bartender of the Year by the Tales of the Cocktail Foundation. A Belfast native, McGarry has followed a sober lifestyle since March 2016.
Like many other sober bartenders, McGarry reached a harrowing point that served as the impetus for choosing sobriety. “My life was spiraling out of control,” he said. “I was unable to work for a year up until I got sober with my addiction, anxiety and depression. I went out on a huge bender March 25 and woke up in hospital with my stomach pumped. That’s when I hit rock bottom and decided to give up on drink. It wasn’t helping me.”
How does a sober lifestyle affect the work of a bartender? “I spit taste cocktails when going through research and development and when spot checking in the venues,” McGarry said. “It never goes down my throat and I’m careful to not taste too much and also not too frequently. It was tough at the beginning. My relationship to tasting is work. I do not taste to get a buzz.”
Sobriety has impacted his work in other ways, too. “A lot of people are happy for me because they heard how bad I got,” McGarry said. “I’ve also lost work in terms of judging competitions and such. I understand that and I don’t really take any work now unless it’s something I genuinely want to do or the money is good.”
So how does McGarry deal with stress? “Sometimes I’m envious of the way people get to drink if they’re stressed out, or to get them to a higher place,” he said. “However, I remind myself that I would never be able to have just one. I don’t do normal. So I just remind myself of that and my previous relationship with alcohol, then I snap out of feeling sorry for myself. I don’t like big crowds nowadays. Particularly when alcohol is the focus, like Tales, WB50, London Cocktail Week or Bar Convent Berlin. It’s too much for me. I like to deal with people one-to-one and be present.”
“The main reason my alcohol intake reached the levels it did was to alleviate stress”
Jim Kearns has had extensive industry experience, and is currently the corporate beverage director at Golden Age Hospitality, which includes the bars Acme, Tijuana Picnic, the Happiest Hour and Slowly Shirley in New York City. Kearns has just recently passed the three year mark in his sobriety.
“I had crossed the line from functional alcoholism into nonfunctional alcoholism and severe physical addiction, which can be deadly,” Kearns said. “I wanted to keep my relationships, my career and my health.”
For work, “I taste cocktails and I do not spit,” Kearns said. “Swallowing, and the retro-nasal tasting that accompanies it, is an imperative part of tasting. I just limit the amount that I do it and take great care in doing so.”
In order to achieve balance in the sober lifestyle, Kearns seeks methods of problem-solving that don’t involve alcohol. “Finding other outlets for stress and anger, and ways of dealing with those emotions, is the most challenging thing for me,” he said. “As an anxious person, I’ve found that the main reason my alcohol intake reached the levels it did was to alleviate stress. Now, I have to acknowledge it and deal with it in a more straightforward manner. The recovery community refers to this as ‘living with discomfort,’ which is an important part of understanding how to cope with the lifestyle changes that accompany altering an addictive behavior and facing the underlying issues head on. I understand that my anxious nature can be an asset, as it’s a great motivator and makes me great at preparing and planning, but I also have to recognize when it’s inhibiting my happiness or well-being and find different ways of coping with or alleviating stress.”
“I don’t tend to tell guests about it unless I’m backed into a corner”
In New York City’s Greenwich Village, Chaim Dauermann, beverage director at The Up & Up, adopted the sober lifestyle in December 2016. Dauerman is also the owner of new cocktail bar Stay Gold in the Kips Bay neighborhood.
“I had two realizations that led me to sobriety,” Dauermann said. “The first was that I was incapable of controlling how much I drank. The second was that I would never have the life I wanted, or be the man I wanted to be, if I continued to drink. I knew it was possible that I still wouldn’t have those things even if I quit, but it was certainly worth the risk.”
“I know myself and the slippery slope that can easily develop”
Sober Bartender Pin
It was a series of impactful events that led bartender Chris Cardone to accept the challenge of sobriety. Cardone, who tends bar at New York City Italian restaurant I Sodi, has never looked back since.
“I quit drinking for good on Memorial Day of 2015,” Cardone said. “For many years prior, I would always do ‘sober December,’ because deep down I knew I drank too much and far too often. It was my way of justifying and deluding myself into thinking I had my drinking problem under control. The night before Memorial Day, I had a massive hallucination accompanied by a four-hour blackout, and I decided to take a break. I called a close friend and said I would take a month off. He responded, ‘What’s the point? As soon you as start drinking again nothing is going to change.’ Without thinking, I countered, ‘Fine, I’ll do a year.’ He laughed and said, ‘There’s no way you could go a year.’ And what bothered me was I was worried that he was right. The rest is history.”
For work, when “testing cocktails or tasting for the purpose of education, I do taste and spit,” Cardone said. “I hold the belief that I’ve never got into any negative situation from tasting and spitting. But I have a very stern wall built there — I take that rule extremely seriously because I know myself and the slippery slope that can easily develop.”
After finding his health again in the past three years, Cardone’s takeaways are overwhelmingly positive. “I am a better person, a better father, a better bartender, a better friend and a better competitor since I quit drinking. I am healthy again, physically, mentally and spiritually. I do not have any regrets about my decision to quit drinking and I don’t feel as though I’m missing out on a thing. It was the single best decision I’ve ever made for myself.”
Sober Bartenders
“There’s a misconception that bartenders somehow need to drink in order to enjoy their job”
Sober Bartender Meme
Health was the biggest determining factor in bartender Adrienne Oakes’ decision to become sober while working in the industry. Oakes, also of The Up & Up, dismisses the notion that drinking is imperative to becoming a successful bartender.
“I’ve been sober since January 2017,” Oakes said. “Unfortunately, for a few months before becoming sober, I was suffering from alcohol-related health issues. My doctor suggested that I put an end to my drinking in order to save my health. I knew that it was time for me to stop drinking.”